Those of us who live in conservative rural counties across the western United States have decided we are no longer going to resist the REWILDING agenda imposed on us by the liberal mob. To all those in favor of forcing us to live with wolves, we sincerely regret attempting to stand in your way as you seek to destroy our economy and government dependent-free lifestyles by infesting the land with this non-endangered top tier predator species. What the hell were we thinking anyway? So, in order to prove that we’ve finally come to our senses, we have decided to share this year’s bountiful harvest with you.
Rest assured, Bounty Share biologists use the best available science to determine the predator carrying capacity of urban centers and suburban zones within each core community. For Seattle and Portland residents, we have determined that 6 to 7 wolves shall be released in the vicinity of every Starbucks coffee house. This should be sufficient to guarantee the required number of successful breeding pairs while insuring connectivity with wolves released in other nearby zones. We would expect your cities to be overrun with the playful creatures in no time at all, just like our national forests, farms, small towns, river valleys and ranches!
The people of Montana, Wyoming, Idaho, and Eastern Washington have all contributed substantial resources to this project. Each truck in our extensive fleet has been loaded with 50 fully grown Canadian… oops, I mean Rocky Mountain wolves born and raised right here in the USA. You should be receiving the first shipments shortly. It will take a minimum amount of time for your wolves to adjust to their new surroundings. Please be patient with them. In preparation for their journey, we have not fed these wolves for two weeks, so please keep your arms and legs away from their mouths when attempting to hug them. You may also want to protect your private parts, as these areas tend to be the animals favorite chew toy.
Establishing migratory corridors is very important in insuring genetic diversity among large predator populations. We have begun taking the necessary steps to remove impediments to wolf migration, such as businesses and private homes. While we regret the taking of certain properties, it is a necessary evil in order to insure connectivity between core populations. There’s really nothing worse than an in-bred wolf. We would remind you that your new wolves are a fully protected species and must remain listed as such until we have confirmed that their full recovery is complete. Our panel of wolf experts have already pre-determined that this event will likely be achieved when hell freezes over.
For those living along the coastal areas and inland valleys of California, from the Bay Area south to San Diego, please be advised that we have already released a significant number of grizzly bears (Ursus arctos horribilis) into your area. The actual number and location must remain confidential. We are sure you understand the need for secrecy in order to keep those right-wing anti-bear wackos from snuffing out these peaceful vegetarians before they’ve had a chance to establish new territories and interbreeding populations.
Again, we remind you that wolves and grizzly bears are protected by Federal Law and cannot be bothered. If you have a problem with any large predator disturbing your sun bathing activities, catered drug parties, or eating your pets, (or children), please contact the nearest animal rights welfare office.
If you wish to lodge an incident report or make a formal complaint about any conflicts you may have with any animal transplanted by Bounty Share, or any of its affiliates, please be advised that you may be required to sign our “Inalienable Rights Waiver” before we can even talk with you. Taxpayer funded compensation for damages is available to those who sign the waiver, however the amount is very small and may take an act of Congress before it is released. It really helps if the head of our claims department likes you, so be nice.
Thank-you for cooperating with our new Bounty Share program. We know from experience that it takes time and patience to learn how to peacefully “co-exist” with large predatory species such as wolves and grizzly bears. We are sure you will figure it out over time.
Sincerely, your friends at Bounty Share – (BS).
P.S. Please remember to include a generous donation with any correspondence. We are a B4-UR-8 non-profit corporation. All donations are non-refundable.
Thank you, and good luck. (You’re going to need it!)